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Excerpt 4:
Sibling Rivalry
Sibling rivalry is as
natural as "the terrible twos" and "teenage rebellion".
That is, it is part of the natural man (the sin nature) to be
envious (covetous), greedy, even to war with each other (James
4:1 & 2). As always, parents are responsible to be the
external control for their children until they develop
internal controls. Parents, you have a responsibility to
maintain peace for the subjects (children) in your kingdom
(home) (I Timothy 2:2 & 3). You can't force your children to
love each other, but you can make sure that they can lead
quiet and peaceful lives.
You can teach your children
that the Lord hates: "A false witness that speaketh lies, and
he that soweth discord among brethren" (Proverbs 6:19). And,
for the responder to an attack; "Recompense to no man evil for
evil" (Romans 12:17a). And, the basis for all manners; "Let
nothing be done through strife or vainglory, but in lowliness
of mind let each esteem others better than themselves" (Phillipians
2:3).
Sharing
One of the reasons for
sibling squabbles, as well as those with other children, is
concerning possessions. Parents would like for their children
to share their toys freely with others (of course, we don't
offer our car, stereo outfit, new clothes, or other prize
possessions to others). But, it's not sharing unless it comes
from the heart and forcing a little one to give up a prized
possession to another won't change the heart. In fact, if the
other child has been grabbing or whining for the prize, giving
it to him supports stealing more than giving. It is the grabby
child who is being selfish, not the one who owns the item.
Russell Madden wrote in The Freeman, December, 1993,
about forced sharing:
"Children grow into
adults who accept the notion that those who demand the
property of others are entitled to receive it, and those who
defend their own property are immoral. The demands of the
homeless, the uninsured, the student, the businessman, and
the retiree, jealous of others who have what they do not,
are echoes of the whining cries of those spoiled children
who 'want' and 'need' the toys of their playmates.
Parents should tell their
children first that what is theirs is theirs: They need not
share if they do not want to. By the same token, they cannot
use the toys of other children -- if those children prefer
not to share. The idea of property is fundamental. Should a
child wish to use another's toy the proper course for him to
follow is to ask. If the other child declines, he
should offer an exchange of some kind: this duck for that
elephant. If the answer is still no, they should either
increase their offer or be satisfied with what they already
have. Under no circumstances should a child be allowed
simply to seize the property of another. If another child
should take a toy your child does not want to give up, the
aggrieved party should feel free to come to you to rectify
the problem, i.e., to return the toy, not to take the
side of the thief against the innocent victim."
It is good for parents to
encourage their children to share with those in need. Our
children learned a lot about themselves, and others, by making
up Christmas baskets and delivering them to other families,
and by volunteering help to those in need. But, private
property rights are important to teach as well.
Sophistication
I am extremely concerned
about children becoming sophisticated in Christian families
because they are allowed to have too many adult experiences
before they are emotionally ready. A child is not an adult. By
all accounts he is immature -- physically and psychologically.
If he becomes exposed to adult experiences prematurely it can
actually harm his maturing process.
Sophistication: "The act of
adulterating; a counterfeiting or debasing the purity of
something by a foreign admixture; adulteration." Noah Webster
Dictionary, 1828. "The use of specious, but fallacious
reasoning." Oxford English Dictionary, 1971. Other factors of
sophistication are: "An argument not based on sound reason;
not pure or genuine; reasoning sound in appearance only,
shallow, superficial." We might say a person is sophisticated
when they can use a specialized vocabulary and convincingly
argue their point, but who really doesn't have the depth of
understanding to match their experience -- a know-it-all who
doesn't.
Children start to develop
this attitude when parents allow or encourage them to "act
adult" too early. For instance, a child of four to eleven
calling his parents and other adults by their first names, or
speaking in a familiar fashion to them, or asking adult
(personal) questions, or making personal comments to them. It
also occurs when a child is constantly made the center of
attention in adult groupings. A child who is treated as if his
opinions are of equal value with adults becomes puffed up in
self-importance. This leads to frustration when he finds he
really isn't allowed to live according to his own immature
ideas. When parents promote premature adulthood in their
children it produces an unhealthy independence, rather than a
desired self-sufficiency. Self-sufficiency is based on
personal responsibility; independence is based on a false
sense of self-importance (conceit) and is usually accompanied
with self-centeredness (being spoiled).
Over-familiarization may be
cute for awhile, but it is also nauseating after a short time;
and it can destroy adult relationships. It also destroys the
child's respect for his parents' authority and respect for
adults overall. Timothy was no sophomore, but even he as an
elder was commanded to show the respect of a son: "Rebuke not
an elder, but exhort him as a father; and the younger men, as
brethren; The elder women, as mothers; the younger, as
sisters, with all purity" (I Timothy 5:1 & 2). (See also Job
32:4 & 6; James 5:5a.) Children should be taught respect and
honor for all adults. Familiarity is a privilege of common
knowledge, rank, or class; not a right to be given children
before their time.
This excerpt was
taken from one of the Author Notes that has been added to the
2nd edition of
What the Bible Says About . . . Child Training
It is available at your favorite Christian book store, or from
the author.
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