CBG -Sibling Rivalry

Foundation for
Biblical Research

Sibling Rivalry

Sibling rivalry is as natural as "the terrible twos" and "teenage rebellion". That is, it is part of the natural man (the sin nature) to be envious (covetous), greedy, even to war with each other (James 4:1 & 2). As always, parents are responsible to be the external control for their children until they develop internal controls. Parents, you have a responsibility to maintain peace for the subjects (children) in your kingdom (home) (I Timothy 2:2 & 3). You can't force your children to love each other, but you can make sure that they can lead quiet and peaceful lives.

You can teach your children that the Lord hates: "A false witness that speaketh lies, and he that soweth discord among brethren" (Proverbs 6:19). And, for the responder to an attack; "Recompense to no man evil for evil" (Romans 12:17a). And, the basis for all manners; "Let nothing be done through strife or vainglory, but in lowliness of mind let each esteem others better than themselves" (Phillipians 2:3).

Sharing

One of the reasons for sibling squabbles, as well as those with other children, is concerning possessions. Parents would like for their children to share their toys freely with others (of course, we don't offer our car, stereo outfit, new clothes, or other prize possessions to others). But, it's not sharing unless it comes from the heart and forcing a little one to give up a prized possession to another won't change the heart. In fact, if the other child has been grabbing or whining for the prize, giving it to him supports stealing more than giving. It is the grabby child who is being selfish, not the one who owns the item. Russell Madden wrote in The Freeman, December, 1993, about forced sharing:

Parents should tell their children first that what is theirs is theirs: They need not share if they do not want to. By the same token, they cannot use the toys of other children -- if those children prefer not to share. The idea of property is fundamental. Should a child wish to use another's toy the proper course for him to follow is to ask. If the other child declines, he should offer an exchange of some kind: this duck for that elephant. If the answer is still no, they should either increase their offer or be satisfied with what they already have. Under no circumstances should a child be allowed simply to seize the property of another. If another child should take a toy your child does not want to give up, the aggrieved party should feel free to come to you to rectify the problem, i.e., to return the toy, not to take the side of the thief against the innocent victim."

It is good for parents to encourage their children to share with those in need. Our children learned a lot about themselves, and others, by making up Christmas baskets and delivering them to other families, and by volunteering help to those in need. But, private property rights are important to teach as well.

Sophistication

I am extremely concerned about children becoming sophisticated in Christian families because they are allowed to have too many adult experiences before they are emotionally ready. A child is not an adult. By all accounts he is immature -- physically and psychologically. If he becomes exposed to adult experiences prematurely it can actually harm his maturing process.

Sophistication: "The act of adulterating; a counterfeiting or debasing the purity of something by a foreign admixture; adulteration." Noah Webster Dictionary, 1828. "The use of specious, but fallacious reasoning." Oxford English Dictionary, 1971. Other factors of sophistication are: "An argument not based on sound reason; not pure or genuine; reasoning sound in appearance only, shallow, superficial." We might say a person is sophisticated when they can use a specialized vocabulary and convincingly argue their point, but who really doesn't have the depth of understanding to match their experience -- a know-it-all who doesn't.

Children start to develop this attitude when parents allow or encourage them to "act adult" too early. For instance, a child of four to eleven calling his parents and other adults by their first names, or speaking in a familiar fashion to them, or asking adult (personal) questions, or making personal comments to them. It also occurs when a child is constantly made the center of attention in adult groupings. A child who is treated as if his opinions are of equal value with adults becomes puffed up in self-importance. This leads to frustration when he finds he really isn't allowed to live according to his own immature ideas. When parents promote premature adulthood in their children it produces an unhealthy independence, rather than a desired self-sufficiency. Self-sufficiency is based on personal responsibility; independence is based on a false sense of self-importance (conceit) and is usually accompanied with self-centeredness (being spoiled).

Over-familiarization may be cute for awhile, but it is also nauseating after a short time; and it can destroy adult relationships. It also destroys the child's respect for his parents' authority and respect for adults overall. Timothy was no sophomore, but even he as an elder was commanded to show the respect of a son: "Rebuke not an elder, but exhort him as a father; and the younger men, as brethren; The elder women, as mothers; the younger, as sisters, with all purity" (I Timothy 5:1 & 2). (See also Job 32:4 & 6; James 5:5a.) Children should be taught respect and honor for all adults. Familiarity is a privilege of common knowledge, rank, or class; not a right to be given children before their time.

_{This excertp was taken from one of the Author Notes that has been added to the 2nd edition of
What the Bible Says About . . . Child Training

It is available at your favorite Christian book store, or from the author.}